All right. I'm not sure how this got so long, but once I started I felt I had to finish.
Page 1
- The cover you commissioned on the itch page is quite nice; you should put it in the document itself.
- The question under guildhall would be better phrased "Are you one of the guild leaders..."
- Ship: Instead of "you obtain a transport", it would be better phrased "your settlement functions as a transport of your choice..
Page 2
- The first sentence should be two sentences: "...with a total of 4 Building Slots. Settlements gain..."
- In that second sentence, it would be clearer to say "the first time any player reaches level 10,..."
- When describing Progress, you should mention that this is similar to the Projects in the core book, although not locked to the Tinkerer class.
Page 3
- The third sentence above the building options should be split into three sentences or a bullet point list: "The cost determines how much zenit and progress is required to complete the Building. The effect is an ability that can be accessed as long as you are in your settlement (or beyond it, in some cases). The specialized classes are classes that gain extra progress towards completing the Building during the construction phase. For example, a character with the Tinkerer class gives extra progress to building an Alchemy Lab."
- Barracks: Befriended adventurer would be better called "Mercenary"; a friend wouldn't charge for this service. It's not outside the spirit of the game; Final Fantasy 6 has Shadow.
- Since there are many adventurers here, maybe it would be better to have the players pick 4-6 NPC abilities and pay 100z for any one of them. You could say some guild regulation keeps the party from hiring multiple mercenaries. It should be clearer that this is not a whole NPC; the last sentence should say "... and make use of their special ability in conflicts".
- Castle could be clearer: "They never take part in Checks or conflicts, but once per session, the group..." In addition, the last sentence would be clearer if it said "any PC" instead of "you". Lastly, it should mention the price of IP; 10z per point.
Page 4
- Gamestore: the name should be two words, Game Store.
- The first sentence in Game Store could be clearer; "...can use the Resist Card item with the Inventory action.".
- The last sentence is missing a word. It should be : "If you are affected by an effect that destroys symbols..."
Page 5
- Graveyard: As with game store, the first sentence could be clearer; "...can use the Spirit Salts item with the Inventory action."
- Inn: The effect and the name feel a bit divorced. It would be better called Restaurant, Thrift Store, or Market, I think.
- Leylines are basically just the Inner Wellspring heroic skill. Instead of this, maybe after resting here, the Invoker could pick a wellspring here, then before the next rest, spend 10 MP to replace a wellspring in the scene with the chosen wellspring.
- Monster Sanctuary is nice, but being able to Spell Mimic even after a creature is downed is something that I (and I think other GMs) give to players already; they get to decide it's fate when its HP hits zero, and that can include asking it to do a spell for the Chimerist to watch. Instead, maybe it could be expanded to any non-Humanoid, soldier-rank creature, still with GM's discretion. That lets Chimerists learn spells from those species too, provided they come back to the sanctuary. This brushes up against Chimeric Mastery, so maybe it should also cost the player 20-50 zenit. You could ask "what do you offer each creature in exchange for their spells?".
- Post Office:
- The reward for delivering a parcel isn't great; a level 5 loremaster could get lucky on a roll and get three such questions. Maybe in addition to the story, the party makes some money from the deliveries; 100z seems enough.
- in the italicized questions, Mail should be singular, or else should be replaced with "parcels" or "letters". If you replace it, "comes and goes" should become "come and go".
- Scroll Scrivery: Scrivery is a great-sounding word, but the correct spelling is Scribery.
- In addition, I would change the ability. You can ask for a scroll of any spell you already know, then when you next cast it, it costs no MP (or half MP, that might be overpowered).
Page 7
- Theater: The first sentence would be clearer if it said "...a performance that they performed in here", to make it clearer that the PCs are performing.
- Travel Bureau: You should mention that this is redundant if the settlement has the Ship feature.
- Vehicle Workshop: if the Pilot can start Projects, this is basically a downgrade. Maybe it gives an additional Progress per day of effort.
Page 8
- In the second sentence, it would be clearer if you said "one of that item is available to buy here until purchased..."
- Lastly, I think you should give advice for damage or destruction to the Settlement. The GM should tell the players it's a possibility long beforehand, and whether benefits remain after will probably depend on circumstances.
I can make some of these changes! Though some of this is on purpose as well. If you want to change aspects of the buildings in your own game to better fit you group, you're more than welcome to!
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Comments
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I really like this! I hope I can use it in my campaign soon.
Would you mind if I point out a few things that could be improved/fixed?
Thank you! And you're more than welcome to and I'll see if I can fit them in there.
All right. I'm not sure how this got so long, but once I started I felt I had to finish.
Page 1
- The cover you commissioned on the itch page is quite nice; you should put it in the document itself.
- The question under guildhall would be better phrased "Are you one of the guild leaders..."
- Ship: Instead of "you obtain a transport", it would be better phrased "your settlement functions as a transport of your choice..
Page 2
- The first sentence should be two sentences: "...with a total of 4 Building Slots. Settlements gain..."
- In that second sentence, it would be clearer to say "the first time any player reaches level 10,..."
- When describing Progress, you should mention that this is similar to the Projects in the core book, although not locked to the Tinkerer class.
Page 3
- The third sentence above the building options should be split into three sentences or a bullet point list: "The cost determines how much zenit and progress is required to complete the Building. The effect is an ability that can be accessed as long as you are in your settlement (or beyond it, in some cases). The specialized classes are classes that gain extra progress towards completing the Building during the construction phase. For example, a character with the Tinkerer class gives extra progress to building an Alchemy Lab."
- Barracks: Befriended adventurer would be better called "Mercenary"; a friend wouldn't charge for this service. It's not outside the spirit of the game; Final Fantasy 6 has Shadow.
- Since there are many adventurers here, maybe it would be better to have the players pick 4-6 NPC abilities and pay 100z for any one of them. You could say some guild regulation keeps the party from hiring multiple mercenaries. It should be clearer that this is not a whole NPC; the last sentence should say "... and make use of their special ability in conflicts".
- Castle could be clearer: "They never take part in Checks or conflicts, but once per session, the group..." In addition, the last sentence would be clearer if it said "any PC" instead of "you". Lastly, it should mention the price of IP; 10z per point.
Page 4
- Gamestore: the name should be two words, Game Store.
- The first sentence in Game Store could be clearer; "...can use the Resist Card item with the Inventory action.".
- The last sentence is missing a word. It should be : "If you are affected by an effect that destroys symbols..."
Page 5
- Graveyard: As with game store, the first sentence could be clearer; "...can use the Spirit Salts item with the Inventory action."
- Inn: The effect and the name feel a bit divorced. It would be better called Restaurant, Thrift Store, or Market, I think.
- Leylines are basically just the Inner Wellspring heroic skill. Instead of this, maybe after resting here, the Invoker could pick a wellspring here, then before the next rest, spend 10 MP to replace a wellspring in the scene with the chosen wellspring.
- Monster Sanctuary is nice, but being able to Spell Mimic even after a creature is downed is something that I (and I think other GMs) give to players already; they get to decide it's fate when its HP hits zero, and that can include asking it to do a spell for the Chimerist to watch. Instead, maybe it could be expanded to any non-Humanoid, soldier-rank creature, still with GM's discretion. That lets Chimerists learn spells from those species too, provided they come back to the sanctuary. This brushes up against Chimeric Mastery, so maybe it should also cost the player 20-50 zenit. You could ask "what do you offer each creature in exchange for their spells?".
- Post Office:
- The reward for delivering a parcel isn't great; a level 5 loremaster could get lucky on a roll and get three such questions. Maybe in addition to the story, the party makes some money from the deliveries; 100z seems enough.
- in the italicized questions, Mail should be singular, or else should be replaced with "parcels" or "letters". If you replace it, "comes and goes" should become "come and go".
- Scroll Scrivery: Scrivery is a great-sounding word, but the correct spelling is Scribery.
- In addition, I would change the ability. You can ask for a scroll of any spell you already know, then when you next cast it, it costs no MP (or half MP, that might be overpowered).
Page 7
- Theater: The first sentence would be clearer if it said "...a performance that they performed in here", to make it clearer that the PCs are performing.
- Travel Bureau: You should mention that this is redundant if the settlement has the Ship feature.
- Vehicle Workshop: if the Pilot can start Projects, this is basically a downgrade. Maybe it gives an additional Progress per day of effort.
Page 8
- In the second sentence, it would be clearer if you said "one of that item is available to buy here until purchased..."
- Lastly, I think you should give advice for damage or destruction to the Settlement. The GM should tell the players it's a possibility long beforehand, and whether benefits remain after will probably depend on circumstances.
I can make some of these changes! Though some of this is on purpose as well. If you want to change aspects of the buildings in your own game to better fit you group, you're more than welcome to!
Thanks very much!